Love Stories : The Day He Left

Contributed by mindgames (Edited by karl)
Monday, February 14, 2005 @ 02:00:17 PM

It's a sad song, made all the sadder by Bruce Hornsby's mournful piano accompaniment, and Raitt's authentic cry from the heart.

Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronise...
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight...

"Of course, you're too young to have heard of her," my friend said, when I asked him who the singer is. "Bonnie Raitt. She had struggled for years, played in one honky-tonk joint too many, and drunk far too much. But she's finally gotten her due recognition. She won a Grammy for the song, and maybe for her album too," He said. There were tears in my eyes. Me and my soft heart, and yet I could not give him love. Instead I gave my friendship, and I gave it with gratitude, tenderness and sadness. That was long time ago. Time has passed.

Today I will write about my love who finally left me. You may not have heard of him because I didn't write much about him except for a prose and a poem. I decided for him to be as furtive as that phantom of my days, because what we had was a clandestine love affair.

I met him late August last year thru one of the most bizarre ways of meeting people, which is just one of my pit stops. I invited him for coffee and it was followed by a countless other rendezvous over coffee, poetry and philosophy. Then we realized there was love. And I loved him, and it got deeper as days passed. Yes, it was great, and I told myself that it was different.

Indeed it was different. He is different. The guy I am talking about is one of the most complex, mysterious and intriguing personalities I've ever encountered in my lifetime. He is as elusive as mercury. As passionately as he would return my kisses that rainy season to new year. He is a boy and a man at the same time. Sometimes I think that what we had was part of the interlude between his Holden Caulfied days and the more serious endeavors of adulthood to come. Thus with him, I'd often venture beyond the surface of life and of love. It was a love that made me whole. He was my unquantified joys. And yes, it was blissful, even just to talk with him.

A number of times I tried to simplify his personality but he always escaped me. A number of times I tried to write about my love for him but words always fell short. And one of the many attempts are these lines:

I can write a thousand poems for you, about you, just to feed my love. I can cry a river to let flow unwanted shell-feelings but your touch streams down to my sea amid strong winds and perturbed waves.

But it can never go beyond what I feel for you.

He was one of the many reasons for my forced writer's block. And I was convinced of the theory of the non-existence of "real profundity" in writing. And he hasn't done anything yet but to sit in front of me and leave the rest of him for me to analyze. But i remain bewildered, astounded at this simple being who shares the coffee table with me and yet there is more about him that I can never comprehend. He is like the many wonders that bestrew my midst all at the same time. Being with him is like surfing channels on TV without knowing what I am exactly looking for.

Love was in the air all the time until things got complicated because our status stayed afloat. And he could not even assure. The reason is complicated. Well, it got worse when people started to ask me about him. "Nah, someone special," so I'd answer to them. Then it grew to "Just a pseudo-bf," to "Ah, him? He's the love of my life." But I questioned his intentions and I nagged him for reasons behind the lack of assurance. He gave me reasons, but I refused to accept them.

He became dizzy for me, and he'd often say NO everytime I'd ask him to take me. Each time he did, I pulled away from him. And I was convinced that there will never be a time for moony eyes and vows of undying devotion for us. So each time, we'd fight for the same reason. And each time, i'd leave him. And I'd say my sorries. And he'd reassure me, "Don't worry about it." Then he'd take me again without further question. Despite my frequent tumult, despite my cuckolding him, he'd accept me again. He let me lived largely and every time I thought he hurt me, I'd storm out of his life. But he'd accept me again. It was always like that. It became a vicious cycle.

He'd write about the raucous events everytime. And in one of those, he wrote:

I am crying. For the last time. I don't want to go but i fear that if i don't i'll end up not respecting myself any longer. dammit i love you. but you don't make it easy. i've had my shortcomings and i know that most of the hurt you get is my fault. but sometimes you can't expect me to run after you when im still catching my breath. you run too fast for me. we haven't even patched things up for more than a week and already you are asking me the same things that cause your hurt...

Then the ultimate came. It came to a point where I became extremely ruthless towards him, and I didn't leave any respect for him. I was at the height of my anger. I was unreasonable. I was hateful. I became the worst version of myself.

So he blogged:

Today i let her go.
it hurts.
like im being torn from the inside out.
but i have to.

I don't know how to reassure her anymore. Despite telling her that i kept true to my promise, she insists on her own way. And when i let her have on her own way, she explodes a bit more. I do not know what to do. I am the loser at every point, at every argument.

And I let him go, finally. I will not reclaim him anymore. I cannot hurt him any longer.

So he left, while I was still drunk to feel the pain. And this morning, I was sober already. I read his messages, and called him. He said he couldn't take me anymore.

It hurt like hell. But I ask, how does a person grieve? I am puzzled at my lack of tears. I spoke with him in anger this morning but my voice briefly failed. As I hung up, that tiny catch in my voice dissolved whatever stood between me and my sorrow. The torrents of hurt were unleased but I could not cry. I feel numb.

I feel like travelling so I could send him postcards every day. I will call it, The Rock N Roll Farewell Report. And I'd send each one to him, under which some silly stuff are written on it.

Like: "The world must be full of such handsome and powerful men, there are so many fish in the ocean, but why do I ache still for the one fish that will never bite? A jerk at the other end of the line, that's all I want - but, alas, that's what I've become."

I feel stupid. And miserable. But more stupid than miserable. Do I love him? Yes I do, so much. And it excruciatingly hurts. Yet I am still surprised, that it won't sink in my system yet.

I yearn to be free from paranoia, and for whatever caused him to leave me. I yearn to be a vagabond yet I built all these defenses around me and stayed inside as if it were my house, so he could not get through me. I built these sea walls around me to keep at bay the sadnesses of life. But one of the most difficult problems I had is to construct these barriers of such a height and strength that I have a true harbour, a sanctuary away from crippling turmoil and pain. I didn't build it low enough, and permeable enough, to let in fresh seawater that will fend off my inevitable inclination towards brackisness.

For someone with my cast of mind and mood, medication is an integral element of this wall: Without it, I would be constantly beholden to the crushing movements of a mental sea.

I wanted to believe that our love was, to me, the ultimately more extraordinary part of the breakwater wall: it helps to shut out the terror and awfulness, while, at the same time, allowing in life and beauty and vitality. But I didn't allow it to be that. My life is a life of self-absorption taken to its extreme. I am merciless.

I don't know if I am ready for a life without him. I don't know if i can ever last another day without him.

I wouldn't want to know.

I posted this because this almost happened to me. 'Thought i'm going to lose someone forever, 'thought I can afford to lose my someone but I realized that i can't, I love my someone, I love him very much...

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they ac t up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

It's always hard to let go of something that's good and wonderful...
but sometimes we have to...
and when that time comes...
just let the silent tears wash away the pain.

I guess its time I put to words
What I have lost from the past
The many times I have reflected
And now the words come out

Every time I look back
I see what all went wrong
All that happened to us
The differences we had

We slowly drifted apart
And then I broke us up
We used to be the best of lovers
And now were nothing much

So finally I have given up
Trying to return us all
To the way we were
I have learned my lesson now

I guess that people always change
And there’s nothing to do now
But let our dead hearts lay
To good bye forever

You must know that this is it
We are no longer the same at all
We have fallen from our grace
Its been a falling out of sorts